Hello! Welcome Back, I hope you’re having a good Monday…it’s been a rainy day for me which I actually enjoy, I just wish it was a little cooler and not so humid but I digress. Now I know this is a beauty blog but every now and then I want to talk about things close to my heart that aren’t beauty related and I hope that’s okay with you guys. Today I want to talk about toxic friendships and how blogging has helped me heal. I want to talk about this 1. because hopefully my experience will help someone who might be going through the same thing I went through and 2. I want to have something that I can come back too, to help me remember the progress I’ve made on the hard days.
Before I jump into all the progress I’ve made let me give you some background on my toxic friendship. (disclaimer; out of respect for this persons privacy we are going to call them Susan) Susan and I were best friends, despite the fact that we lived on opposite ends of the country we were inseparable. We texted from the moment we woke up to the moment we went to bed and then we’d talk on the phone until we fell asleep every night. While I was in college she would help me study for exams and she would push me when the stress of school got to be too much. She would comfort me when my depression was starting & I would be feeling sad but couldn’t understand why. She even made a special trip to come visit me at school on spring break. We brought the best out of each other, until we didn’t…and started to bring out the ugliest parts of each other. That is when things started to become toxic, we didn’t talk on the phone anymore, our days of texting each other became empty conversation of one word answers or we’d be fighting over my insecurities in the friendship. There were countless times where we both told each other that we were done with the friendship, which was ultimately a scare tactic at least on my part but still refused to let go of the friendship. I became the worst version of myself, my depression was so bad, I would constantly cry over this friendship and I would try to do or say whatever I could to hold onto Susan. Around Christmas last year she told me she needed space from me, which broke my heart into a million pieces because not only was I losing my best friend I was losing her at my all time favorite holiday. Over the next few months I would try and plan out when I could talk to her, I would tell myself just go two weeks and THEN you can text her because I still wasn’t ready to accept that our friendship was over. I’d never had issues like this in a friendship….besides this friendship I never really fought with any of my friends. I had a really hard time accepting that we were toxic for each other I didn’t want to accept that I had hurt someone I cared so much about. Then in march I told myself again, just wait two weeks and then you can text her again and I waited those two weeks and once those two weeks were up, I didn’t have the desire to text her and to this day I have not spoken to her since the beginning of march.
Now I want to talk about the process I went through to let go and heal my heart because it wasn’t easy, it was the hardest thing i’ve ever done and to this day it’s still hard and i still have bad days. The last time I talked to Susan I remember I was feeling really anxious and I asked her to tell me that she loved me because it calms me down but she refused because “I shouldn’t need her to love me.” That’s what pushed me to let her go, because while I understood that I shouldn’t need someone to love me and it was something I was (and still am) working on but I believe if your “best friend” is going through a hard time and needs reassurance you should give it to them. I started my blog at the beginning of the year and it was a very slow start because I was still in a bad place but i had a lot of friends telling me I should start one, so I did. I had no clue what I was doing, I wasn’t tech savvy and I have never considered myself a writer, I would go months in between posting something but every time I did I would feel good. Posting on my blog would help me feel like I had a purpose which was a feeling I had lost for a while. I have always said the way I decide if a blogpost is a success is if it helps someone even if that’s just one person, I want to help people learn more about beauty so they can feel beautiful and good about themselves. Slowly as I developed a plan of self care for myself and brainstorming ideas that I wanted to talk about and A LOT of help from my best friends (big shout out to Lindsay, Megan, Karli, Summer and Lia) I was able to heal. I was able to form stronger friendships with people who believed in me, who supported me, who gave me that reassurance we all some times need.
The biggest reason I wanted to talk about this today is because it was around this time last year that Susan and I’s friendship was in the process of falling apart and I was so incredibly unhappy and I compare that to how I feel now, now I have my blog that I’m posting on 2-3 times a week, I figured out how to make my blog look the way I want it to. I have my beauty instagram, I am getting better at my makeup techniques and try recreating looks that I never thought I could do. I have ideas that I want to explore regarding my dream of owning a makeup company. I have friends who appreciate me, I have connected with my coworkers on a level that I have never connected with anyone i’ve worked with before. I have a much clearer mind mentally, I’m inspired to fight for my happiness because I finally feel like I deserve to be happy, I finally feel like I deserve to love myself and I’m finally inspired to try my best to not let anyone get in the way of that.
To wrap this up I want to stay that healing is going to take time and you can’t rush it. With time, patience and good people you will heal from the pain of losing a toxic friend, you may cry more tears then you thought you had but brighter days will come. So if you are in the midst of losing a toxic friend or just lost one or you’re still healing from losing one…you will be okay. One thing I was worried about when I was losing the friendship was that she would be better off without me which scared me because I didn’t think it was possible for me to be better off without her, but I was wrong. So if you’re worried about the same thing, you are going to be better off without them and a brighter better you is in the process of forming. Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings, it’s okay to have been in a toxic friendship and it’s okay to be glad you aren’t in one anymore. Find something you love whether that is blogging or photography or even accounting it doesn’t matter what it is, just find something you love find people you love & who support you and with time you will notice your growth. Remember to acknowledge your victories even if they are small, they are important and know I am sending you all positive vibes and the biggest internet hug. I hope you have found this helpful, I know I found this very therapeutic for myself so I hope you feel the same. Thanks for reading and while this had nothing to do with beauty, Until next time….
Be Nice. Be Good.