Hello! Welcome Back! Back in October I made a post about toxic friendships and my experience with one (you can check it out here if you’d like) so today I wanted to give an update on it because today marks one year since I last spoke to her. So without further ado let’s get into it!
Those who have been in a toxic friendship or relationship know that when you leave you are left with this gapping hole in your heart that you think is never going to go away. It affects your other friendships or relationships because you get this fear that you are this poison that ruins everyone who comes in your life, but I’m here to tell you from experience, none of that is true. Over this past year of not having this toxic relationship be apart of my life, I feel as though I have grown so much. I have finally taken steps to get the help that I need regarding my mental health, my friendships are incredibly strong, stable and supportive. I have finally made it my priority to genuinely and authentically love myself. My faith in God and relationship with Him is the strongest it has ever been. I wouldn’t have done any of that if I was still in that friendship. I would still be doing whatever I could to make it work. I was fooling myself into thinking that I was being true to myself with all the efforts I was taking to make the friendship work but in reality I was trying to change myself to be whatever it was that would make the friendship last.
Throughout the year I had a lot of ups and downs, there were times when I would fool myself into thinking I was completely over what happened and then there were times when I was in such a bad place that all I wanted to do was break down and call her. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that my pain is actually going away. In a moment of weakness I looked at her instagram page but something happened that had never happened before, when I saw her face and saw her posts I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel sadness or confusion, I didn’t miss her, I felt like I was looking at a stranger. I’m proud to say that I don’t miss her, I don’t mean this in a negative way towards her but I’m proud to have realized the type of people I want as friends. I’m proud that I realized I am not a poison that ruins everyone in my life, but rather her and I just weren’t meant to last. Maybe God put her in my life to show me how to not lose myself in a person again. Maybe God put her in my life to show me that I need to put as much love and effort into myself as I was putting in to repairing and making that friendship work. I don’t know his reasoning and I’m not suppose to, I just know I am grateful for the experience and for the lessons that it taught me. I am excited to continue on my journey of recovery and growth.
If you are thinking of leaving a toxic relationship or are recovering from the pain of leaving one please remember, 1. Some people just don’t work well together and that’s okay. 2. Just because you had a toxic relationship doesn’t mean all your relationships are gonna be like that. 3. Let this be a process of self growth for yourself, examine what they brought out in you that maybe caused you to be toxic to them and examine what caused them to be toxic to you. 4. Most importantly please remember to go at your pace, you will know when you are ready to take a new step in your process of healing.
Thank You for reading, I still have a long way to go, I don’t think we are ever really done growing and changing but I hope me sharing my experience and my journey has helped someone even just a little. Until next time,
Be Nice. Be Good.
p.s. I want everyone to know that the person I am talking about in this post, isn’t a bad person or a bad friend. Towards the end she was just bad for me but I was also bad for her. We were holding each other back from happiness and mental growth. I hope she has found both of those things or is on the path to finding it.