I Feel Lost.

Lost

Hello! Welcome Back, today I just kind of wanted to talk to you guys openly and honestly. I mean I’m always open and honest with you but today it’s going to be deeper then what snacks and shows I’ve been loving. I feel very vulnerable writing this out, which is really scary but I’ve been feeling something for a while and I don’t want to miss an opportunity to maybe help someone with my struggles.

I feel lost, and I’ve felt lost for a long time. I have a lot of things coming at my from every direction from people really close to me, and it’s making me feel lost and overwhelmed. I’m sure you’ve all felt this at some point in your life, like you’re never going to amount to anything? You feel as if you’re giving all you have to give but it’s not enough so you start to question everything. That’s where I’m at, I’m constantly questioning myself and my worth. I get overwhelmed and start to shut down. Then I get fed up with being mean to myself and work on getting better. Then someone close to me will say something hurtful and I’ll be back at square one questioning myself. It’s a never ending battle of wondering if I’m good enough and it’s exhausting. At the expense of sounding overly dramatic, it sucks my quality of life out of me. Why do we let other people have such a hold on us? Why do we go out of our way to convince ourselves that we aren’t good enough? Why especially as woman are we taught to not praise ourselves or know our worth? When I ask these questions and really think about them, I realize they are all real things some of us deal with but they are also bullshit.

Why do we let other people have such a hold on us? This is a big one for me…they all are, but this one in particular hits home. I’m a BIG people pleaser, I want other people’s approval so badly that it ends up causing me to feel empty and lost. I don’t go after what I truly want because I fear that someone close to me won’t approve of it. I start to think “well if they don’t approve of it then it must be a terrible idea. I can’t do it.” When I should be telling myself, and what all of us who are affected by this should be saying is “It’s okay if they don’t approve, this isn’t their life. This is my life.” It’s really hard for me to be “selfish” like that, to take ownership for my own life decisions without the approval of others. I’m working really hard to teach myself that it’s okay to be assertive in what you want from life, but that’s easier said than done. Something I like to remember when I’m struggling with this is that, literally every single person on this planet is removable from your life except yourself. Your friends, your family, your coworkers they technically can ALL be removed from your life, but you can’t be so WHY NOT live the life you want?

Why do we go out of our way to convince ourselves we’re not good enough? For me personally this one goes hand in hand with the last question. I’ll use comments made to me in the past by loved ones and convince myself I’m not good enough. It’s something that is very deeply rooted in me, but why do we do it? Don’t you think it would just be easier to just believe we’re good enough? Of course in the long run it would be easier, but for some reason we are always comparing ourselves. We are, or at least I am like a kitchen sponge. I absorb all the yucky stuff people say, and as much as I try to clean myself of it I can never fully wash away all the filth. If you don’t know, I’m 23 years old and I feel like I’m in a really confusing yet crucial part of my life. I’m considered an adult that should have X,Y and Z figured out, yet my brain isn’t even fully developed. Hell, I’m not even old enough to rent a car in America. Seeing old classmates or hearing about a neighbors child who is engaged, who has this great job or who has moved to Chicago and constantly seeing other people’s lives move forward is really hard to accept. Especially when you’re feeling like your feet are stuck in cement. This is where my faith and my religion come in, I believe God has a plan for all of us. I believe he’s had this plan for longer then I can imagine. That’s what I remind myself when I notice I’m starting to give into those “I’m going nowhere” thoughts. I am not working on my time, I’m working and growing on God’s time.

Why are we especially as woman, taught to not praise ourselves or know our worth? I’m sure we’ve all seen those screenshots on social media where a guy compliments a girl, and she assures him that she knows how beautiful she is. Then he goes and takes back the compliment as if he was doing her a favor by complimenting her. While I feel like we are getting a lot better at this, it’s still kind of frowned upon for a woman to be openly confident in herself and her accomplishments. I think that can really contribute to feeling lost because you’re working so hard, but still expected to keep quiet about how hard you work. If a woman is confident in her achievements she can be seen as arrogant and conceded, but if a man does it he’s self sufficient and a leader. If a woman is in a work environment with all males, she likely won’t get taken seriously. She won’t be asked to contribute her thoughts and ideas unless she asserts herself. Only problem with that is, she may be considered bitchy. My goodness, having that patriarchy engraved into your mind as a woman is exhausting, isn’t it? I’m now at a point, as are many other woman where I have to teach myself that being confident and being proud of my achievements does NOT make me arrogant. I’m not saying that woman are openly being taught to not be confident, even though in some places they most definitely are. That’s just the thing with patriarchy, it’s so mindlessly engraved into society that it can be hard to separate ourselves from it. Learning to be confident in your accomplishments is just something as a woman you have to take the time to learn. I have recently started journaling in this journal called I Totally Got This. Writing down and reminding yourself everyday how great you are and how PROUD of yourself you should be is a step towards confidence. It’s also something that, when you’re feeling less confident you can go back and remind yourself because it’s your words. Your feelings, not someone else telling you how great you are.

It’s okay to feel lost, it’s normal. We aren’t meant to have all the answers, life wouldn’t be so three dimensional if we did. I hope this post made some type of sense and I didn’t ramble on to much. I think it’s nice to every now and then break down some questions and feelings we all go through. Once we break them down and get to the root of the question we will be able to rebuild in a different way. It’s okay to fall down, it’s okay to get swept back into depression time after time. You know you can get up and move forward because you’ve done it so many time before. Being lost is scary as hell, it’s lonely and uncertain. It’s painful but it’s also beautiful. Every time you are feeling lost, remember that you are in the stages of metamorphosis changing into this beautiful butterfly. What do you do when you’re feeling lost? How do you process or move forward from it. Leave me a comment below, we can all help each other in this crazy journey called life. Thank you for stopping by. Until next time..

Be Nice. Be Good.

Mich. X

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