Hey guys! Hope you’re all doing well. Two posts in one week!? Look at me, maybe I’m finally getting my creative mojo back! Anyways, today’s post is going to kind of be a word vomit post. I’ve never been one to shy away from talk about my mental health on my blog and this post is no different. This blog is a huge representation of who I am, and my struggle with depression is apart of that. So why not share my story? You can read more about my journey with mental health here.
Today, I want to talk about the very real highs and lows of living with depression. When you become diagnosed with depression, you become very aware that it’s something you’re most likely going to deal with for the rest of your life. There are also things like situational depression, or seasonal depression that come and go almost like clock work. (I’m in no way belittling situational or seasonal depression, any form of depression SUCKS) Chronic depression or manic depression can flip your life upside down in the blink of an eye. One minute you’re carrying on with normal life tasks, even making progress in your goals and then the next you feel like an empty body walking around without a soul. I get how dramatic that sounds, but for anyone who has suffered the lows of depression you know it’s a very real thing to feel like a hallow skeleton. Like the title of this post states, it comes in waves.
Recently, I have been experiencing the lows of living with depression. When I say lows I mean depths of the ocean low. This round of lows has been the worst I’ve ever experienced, and I don’t really know what triggered it. When you’ve experienced the higher parts of life, the low ones can become really scary. One night in particular last week, felt like an out of body experience. I wish I could paint a picture for you all on how I was feeling but honestly, it’s all a blur to me. I got swept up in the current of my breakdown, with the waves of my emotions throwing me around.
One of the most difficult parts about the lows creeping up on you is putting yourself back together. It’s like you’re holding yourself together with old tape, just barely hanging on. The day after my breakdown, I was able to put myself back together just enough to make it through the work day. That was all I was able to do, after my shift ended it was like someone pulled my plug and drained everything from me. No matter how many doctors appointments you go to, or how many positive quotes you repin on pinterest, no one really ever explains how hard getting through the day can be sometimes.
Looking back in hindsight, I can see that getting through the day where I had to deal with customer after customer was a victory in and of itself. That’s the thing with the lows, you don’t see what you’re still accomplishing even while the seas are roaring inside your head. The mind can be a scary place, but pushing through your day while at war with yourself proves how much of a warrior you are.
The highs are a much more enjoyable thing to talk about. They are also obviously, much more enjoyable to feel. They are the moments you cling to during your moments of despair.
When you’re experiencing a high moment, it’s important that you take advantage of it and live your life to the fullest. I know how isolating depression can make you, I hide away in my room when I’m depressed. That’s why, when you are experiencing a high period in life it’s important you put yourself out there. The first high period in my life after going on medication was when Simply Michelle was born. For the first time in my life I didn’t have that crippling self doubt blasting at full volume through my head, so I took a leap and made an investment in myself & my blog.
When you are going through a high period in your journey with depression, that is the best time to make changes in your life to help keep the low moments at bay. Whether you make an investment in yourself & your dream, or you leave a relationship that you know isn’t working. You want to do something that will impact you in a positive way. This way when the low times come again, you have something to hold on to and/or work towards.
Riding the Waves
As cliche as it sounds, life really is a journey and it’s about riding the waves. One of the most common feelings associated with depression is guilt. You feel guilty for being so sad, disconnected and empty. You feel guilty for how badly you need someone, and for putting your problems on someone else. I’m here to remind you, that you don’t need to feel guilty for riding the waves.
You’re going to have bad days, and you’re going to have good day. However, you don’t only need to feel the good days. There is a level of trust needed in experiencing the lows. You need to trust yourself that even if you’re drowning, you will come up for air. Everyone is different but, I’ve found for myself that trying to avoid going under water only makes me go deeper when I do finally drown. If you need to just go through the motions of life for a few days, then do it. (only do this if you aren’t at risk of harming yourself, if you’re version of drowning involves inflicting harm on yourself or others, please talk to someone)
Depression comes in waves, but after the waves roar there is a calmness in the sea of your mind that is so beautiful. You’ve gotten through it before, you can get through it again. I do hope this made at least some type of sense, and even potentially helped someone. It was a nice therapeutic release for me, so that’s a win!
If you struggle with any type of mental illness, my comment section is always open. No matter where you are on your wave, I’m here to always be a listening ear. Thank you for listening to my word vomit, until next time…
Be Nice. Be Good.